Smells like bad marketing

Sephora is one of my favorite stores, an ironic thing when you consider I barely wear makeup. (My extra morning minutes are spent under the covers, not in front of the mirror.) But I do love the idea of makeup – all those magical elixirs, lotions, balms and salves designed to make women look real purty.

At Sephora you can get an adorable little sample of anything you want: eye firming treatments, hydrating gel masks, fine-line reducers and pore minimizers. (Men must be so jealous of all the wonderful opportunities women have to spend money on their faces.)

Sephora also will let you take home any fragrance in a tiny trial pump … which at last brings me to the point of this post.

Mmm …. you smell like … a jerk
Last time I was in the cloud nine of cosmetics, I meandered in the perfume section. Sniffing aimlessly, I noticed a rather unusual assortment of product names. The most striking? Insolence by Guerlain. Now, I know the creators of this scent are French – a culture known for its brashness – but do they think women really want to dab a “contemptuously rude or impertinent” scent on their pulse points? I sure don’t. But then, I’m not French.

Dior offers up a tonic called Addict, which purports to “indulge the senses with sumptuous silk tree flower and voluptuous night queen flower, plus subtle hints of self-annihilation, degradation and profound shame.” (OK, I added that last part, but I bet you’ll be hooked after just one sniff of this stuff.)

Dior also brings us Hypnotic Poison. Are we supposed to spray it on our wrists or serve it to Sleeping Beauty? This intoxicating scent is “an unsettling harmony, a fusion of contrasting olfactory facets.” (As someone with a stronger than average vocabulary, I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. But again, I’m not French.) If you’re interested in poisonous substances but you don’t believe in hypnosis, don’t worry. Dior can set you up with Pure Poison and Midnight Poison, too.

While I’d prefer not to dabble in insolence, addictions and poison, I have to assume a number of female consumers are more liberal in their perfume selections than I. And because I fancy myself an altruist, I have created a modest list of names to complement the rude/fatal vibe of the scents identified above. Persons employed in the marketing departments of the above-named perfumeries may use these suggestions as they see fit. I don’t mind.

• Churlish (or Churlíche, if a French pronunciation makes it somehow better)
• Felonie
• Malignancee
• Arsonista
• Salacious
• Nefarious
• Licentious

Kind of gives of a whole new meaning to the idea of a "nasty smell," don't you think?

If you have other ideas to share, feel free to reply to this post. The French will thank you.

I (Heart) the '80s!

Like, this week has been totally awesome! 2 cool! If mirrors didn’t insist on reflecting my true age, I’d swear to you I’m only 15 right now. Here’s why....

My week began with some serious roller-skating. And I skated with a boy! And he told me he loved me, like, three times! OK, so said boy was my five-year-old son, but still, he was really cute and his hands were soft and not at all sweaty.

This was actually my second roller-skating excursion in as many weeks. But before then, I’d only hit the rink once or twice since my skating heyday in ’85. So when I rolled out onto that wooden floor in my too-tight skates, it was like gliding back in time. The smells of feet and grease ... the cinderblock walls accented with neon solar-system-patterned carpet … the cocky rink “refs” with their whistles and black-and-white-striped shirts.

Even the sounds were straight outta the latter part of the 1980s. Tone Loc and Young MC turned up on the hi-fi, and Cameo made, well, a cameo. WORD UP, man!

While I scuttled around in circles (valiantly helping my kids fend off the forces of gravity), I rubbernecked at several other “adults” who must’ve also hit rewind on the last two decades. First there was the balding dad in jeans (it was dark, but I think they were acid-washed with front pleats!), who exhibited perfect right-leg-over-left moves as he rounded the corners. He was not to be outdone by the spiky-haired mom who would periodically shift her weight back on her right leg while lifting her left toe to smoothly coast. Soooooo cool.

Then what happens the very next night, but it turns out to be ’80s week on “American Idol,” and I get to go back to my favorite decade again! True, I was disappointed not to hear anyone attempt Duran Duran or Eurythmics or Depeche Mode, but Luke Menard thoughtfully brought Wham! into my living room. I had that song on 45 (45!) and I once possessed a “Choose LIFE” T-shirt just like the one George Michael wore in the video! Weird wild stuff.

The boys’ performances (sigh) made me half-wish I still had a locker, so I could clip pics of Jason Castro, David Cook and Michael Johns out of my Tiger Beat and tape ’em up right next to C. Thomas Howell and the guy who played Jake in Sixteen Candles.

Of course, to fully relive the 1980s, I’d also need to starve myself down to a bony 90 pounds, get a really bad Ogilvie home perm and share both my clothes and my bedroom with my sister. Gag me with a spoon ….

So many weeks of will-they-or-won’t-they tension, and when the two opposing forces finally come together … the magic quickly fizzles. I’m not talking about Sam and Diane or David and Maddie. (Woah! When did I get so old that I casually reference sitcoms from two freakin’ decades ago?!)

No, I’m talking about the Writers’ Guild of America and the 2008 Academy Awards. If you follow entertainment “news,” the big question leading up to last weekend was whether the writers’ strike would be settled in time to roll out the red carpet for ol' Oscar.

Fortunately, the strike was settled and writers got busy penning awkward quips for overprocessed presenters.

Unfortunately, not too many folks seemed to care. The awards show nabbed its lowest ratings ever, with about 20 percent fewer viewers than last year. In fact, in many markets that week more people followed “American Idol” than “the biggest night in show business.”

Which brings me to an observation …. Have you noticed the way “American Idol” has become a barometer of sorts to gauge the interest in or importance of a show or event? I have heard “More people voted for the next American Idol than they did for U.S. president!” and “More people tuned in to ‘American Idol’ than the State of the Union address!” and “More people watched ‘American Idol’ than washed their hands after using the restroom!” and so forth. (Google “more people watched American Idol than” and you’ll see what I mean!)

My point in all this is … well, I don’t really have one. But if I were to wager a guess, I’d say We the People are generally more entertained by optimistic novices on the rise than by self-congratulatory “super”stars.* Just a hunch ....

*George Clooney not included. (That one's for you, Karen!)

I may not be invisible after all ...

There’s a great line in “The Princess Diaries” where the main character, in all her bad-hair, bespectacled blandness, laments to her friend, “Somebody sat on me again.” (It happens early on, before she gets a makeover and turns into beautiful Anne Hathaway.)

While I’ve never been sat upon by a stranger, I have had enough similar experiences to make me feel invisible at best, not worth remembering at worst.

Two recent examples:

1. A woman at the YMCA, with whom I shared a 40-minute conversation, looked at me with ZERO recognition the very next week — and even stuck out her hand to introduce herself to me. I could recall her name (first and last), her kids’ names and ages and how she met her husband, but she didn’t remember speaking to me face to face for 40 minutes!


2. The chick in a small-group meeting, who, after sitting across from me every week for 18 consecutive months, asked if I was joining the group for the first time.

Is it me? If I were more dynamic in conversation or more striking, or spoke with a cool accent, I’d register enough impact so people would at least remember my name, even incorrectly. Right?!

But now there’s some relief for me — and you, if you’re a fellow invisible — in the form of an actual medical condition called prosopagnosia. People who don’t like words with more than two syllables call it “face blindness.”

Essentially, the condition impairs a person’s ability to recognize faces. Prosopag…, er, face blindness can render the afflicted unable to identify even people they’ve known for years. According to a study published by The American Journal of Medical Genetics, as many as one in 50 people have some degree of face blindness. (And it so happens many of them are clustered in my township.)

Sadly, there’s no medical treatment. Those who have it rely on cues like hairstyle, voice or context to recognize family, friends and neighbors (or perhaps fellow YMCA or small-group members).

So the next time an acquaintance flashes you that offensively blank look of non-recognition, you can chalk it up to prosopag …, uh, face blindness.

Dusting off my word collection

I learned a new word this week: breweriana. Say it with me now … brew-er-i-a-na. Doesn’t exactly dance off the tongue, does it?

The word is not listed at Dictionary.com, but it is on eBay, where I first discovered it. My husband found an old – I mean antique – collection of beer cans and liquor decanters in the garage and decided to list them for sale. Now our ragtag items are keeping company with some 24,313 other listings for beer-related signs, tins, drinkware and steins. 24,313 pieces of breweriana – all poised to take up space on shelves, in drawers and under beds!

I would just as soon purge my whole house of collectibles – knickknacks, sundries, tchotchkes and all. Here’s the logic: I collect collectibles. Collectibles collect dust. I hate dust. Therefore, A + B + C = I hate collectibles.

So instead I’m going to start a collection of words … perhaps with a corkboard, some pushpins and index cards with my fave words scrawled on them. I’ll choose words with a rhythmic sound and/or an intriguing meaning – words like mystery, cattywampus, bailiwick, drum, verge, covenant and, for that matter, intrigue.

Dorky? Of course! But I’ve got company, because at least one Web site is devoted to favorite words: http://www.myfavoriteword.com/. According to the site, James Joyce had a soft spot for “cuspidor,” a fancy name for spittoon. For Dorothy Parker, it was “check enclosed” (to which all freelance writers can relate).

But, alas, you can’t sell antique word collections on eBay, so I’ll adjourn now to check the status of my breweriana.

TV titles are so much pun!

June is running out of steam and summer is in full swing. Naturally, the time is ripe for TV networks to begin promoting their fall programming.

One fresh entry offers a new take on the common-as-air police procedural drama. Fox’s “New Amsterdam” chronicles the life of John Amsterdam, a New York City homicide detective “cursed with immortality because he stopped the murder of a Native Indian schoolgirl in 1642 by stepping in front of a sword.”

This show is the latest in a string wherein the main character’s name appears in the title as part of a cliché or idiom. Other prime(time) examples: “Grey’s Anatomy” (Dr. Meredith Grey), “Saving Grace” (Det. Grace Hanadarko), “Crossing Jordan” (Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh) and “King of the Hill” (Hank Hill).

I haven’t decided whether this convention is clever and catchy – or indulgent and irritating ... just like newspaper and magazine articles with gaggingly cute headlines. (So help me, if I see another environmentally friendly piece titled “It’s easy bein’ green,” I can only pray I’m close to a defibrillator.)

Nevertheless, I understand why TV scriptwriters do this, because the daily pressure to join old words in new ways can be grueling. And it’s a surprisingly easy approach to developing concepts.

Play along at home by brainstorming a list of popular phrases and then imagining how each one could play out on the small screen. Consider, if you will, my humble contributions:

• “Pike’s Peak,” with Julia Pike as an overachieving businesswoman whose just-as-she-likes-it life is upended by the arrival of her estranged sister’s precocious teenage daughter (as if there’s any other kind of teenage daughter on TV).
  
• “Lame Duck,” featuring James ‘The Duck’ Duckworth as a cutthroat, jerky-but-genius litigator who juggles intense career pressures while dealing with a mangled right leg. (Think “House” in a courtroom.)
  
• “Robert’s Rules of Order,” about U.S. Sen. Robert T. McAllister, a political heavyweight who is being groomed for the presidency – but whose personal life is secretly in shambles. (You see, the title is ironic.)

Like ’em? Have your people call my people …. We’ll do lunch.